I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
