he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize