Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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