I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
