you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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