You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
