i think my tv is drunk
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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