Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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