I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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