i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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