I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
