Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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