I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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