i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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