Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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