My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I touched a dick in church today
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
