my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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