dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
