i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
