I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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