remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize