I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
