girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
