OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
