if you like me you must not know who I am
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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