just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
