No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
