I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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