Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
