I hate all girls vehemently.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
