Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
