I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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