theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize