like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
