I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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