Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think im going to throw up on grandma
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
