my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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