EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
