why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize