I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
