The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We are all done wearing pants today
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
