Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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