i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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