I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
