My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
