did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
pray to the hookup gods
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
