I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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