My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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