Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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