i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
