no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize