When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The beers last night were like the tears from god
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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