You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
