It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize