Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
vagina is talking i cant
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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