did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
