My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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