Whats the glycemic index on semen?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
